Saturday, May 10, 2008

One-Hundred-Eighty-Eight

Victorian erotica: the original cheeky girls

Ever wondered what our great grandparents got up to behind closed doors? A new collection of erotica leaves little doubt, says Guy Kennaway (London Telegraph, May 2008)

‘I bought my first erotic photograph in the mid-1980s,’ Danny Moynihan tells me. ‘I had come across some photos of Austrian origin of rather portly looking ladies in petticoats playing with sex toys. I thought they were rather amusing.’

A Parisian nude from the 1930s

Moynihan is an artist and a curator. He has collaborated frequently with his friend Damien Hirst and has written a novel - soon to be released as a film - satirising the art world. He is also the owner of one of the world’s largest collections of vintage erotica.

‘At the time I was buying and selling 20th-century photographs with the art dealer Paul Kasmin,’ he explains. ‘In those days photos didn’t really exceed $5,000, though we did own a Violin d’Ingres by Man Ray which we sold to the Getty for $10,000, but that was an exceptional piece.’

Woman on a cross-bar

So presumably, were the dozen or so pictures that started Moynihan’s collection of nearly 500 often explicit photographs, many of which decorate the walls of his Chelsea home, where I have come to meet him.

‘I think the Austrian photos were a few hundred dollars altogether,’ he says. ‘I got them from a German in New York, who just happened to have them on him at the time. I showed them to a few friends and enjoyed their reaction of shock, surprise and delight.’

It is no longer only Moynihan’s friends who will be surprised, possibly delighted, by the photographs. Nearly a third of his collection has been reproduced in a substantial coffee-table book being brought out by the art publisher Other Criteria. He puts it onto the table between us and gives the lady on the front a pat. ‘Not long after my first purchase I found these photos by Felix Moulin of Manet’s model for Olympia. Moulin had a way of photographing women that made them erotic but not pornographic. They were rather more expensive but it set me thinking about making a collection of erotic photos.’

A French model from 1880

The model lying naked on the couch is unquestionably the sublime woman in the iconic painting, whose body is instantly recognisable to all connoisseurs of fine art. ‘Manet worked a lot from photographs, rather than live models,’ Moynihan explains.’It’s well documented. If you look at his pictures you can see they are unmistakably photographic.’

Moynihan would certainly object to his collection being described as filth. Instead, he divides it into five categories including ‘the sensual nude, ethnographic tribal nudes, medical photos, posed studio tableaux and straight pornography’. Quite a lot seems to have changed in the world of pornography since these photographs were taken. The invention of the ladies’ razor, for one. Most of the women have their (often wrinkled) stockings on, the men their socks. This might have been considered saucy, intended to represent the haste of the liaisons, or it may simply have been cold in the photographers’ studios.

Inside the hareem - a portrait from the 1850s by H. Arnoux

Moynihan taps the book again. ‘I adore this one, early 1850s woman, but you can hardly notice the pussy.’ I raise my eyebrows. Then I notice there’s a kitten in the folds of her pulled-up can-can dress.

‘The most I have paid for one is $5,000 - when the dollar was a dollar and not a rupee’ - he adds urbanely. ‘I think it was three or four years ago. As time went on I became more discerning, and could see when something really good came up.’

Young Parisian model, c1900, photographed by Angelou

We go past a couple of photographs of a cupboard full of what was then shameful police evidence of sexual perversion but would now not look out of place in an Ann Summers shop window. Another shows a man eating a meal off a tray and prodding the generous buttock of a woman with his fork.

‘A lot of these pictures were photographed by a Frenchman called Monsieur X,’ says Moynihan. ‘His whole collection came up for sale in the Forties, when he died. Nobody was allowed to know his real name. The auctioneers in Paris were bound by the terms of his will to silence. Some people even today have their suspicions, but nothing is known for certain about him. He was obviously an amateur.’

I stare at the shot of a woman on her elbow wearing a revealing pair of knickers with slack elastic. ‘Very personalised,’ he adds softly, ‘note the grainy quality. She’s unorchestrated, unposed; you sense it was all done for himself, whoever Monsieur X was.’

Is there lots of competition between collectors? ‘There are a few collectors. I know they exist - but I don’t want to know them,’ he says. ‘To be part of a tribe of porn collectors would be rather seedy. It’s a curiosity, not an endeavour. If I come across them I get them.’

It’s Moynihan’s personality that gives Private Collection its charm. He doesn’t take the book or the subject of erotica very seriously. Perhaps this is because he has so many other things going on: at 48, he is a happily married father of two, has written the screenplay for the forthcoming film of his novel, Boogie Woogie, throws parties full of famous names and faces, has houses here and there, and an ever changing collection of art.

French model, 1930s

‘I love this one,’ he says, drawing my attention to yet another photo. ‘Great background.’ His finger alights, rather incongruously, given the content of the rest of the picture, on a bedspread. ‘Look at that textile,’ he coos, ‘isn’t it beautiful? And the wallpaper in this one,’ he says, ignoring the cavorting ladies and gentlemen on the bed and tapping the wall behind an upturned Victorian buttock. ‘William Morris,’ he says, ‘an amazing, early Edwardian interior.’

Has he ever bought contemporary pornography? ‘No, no, no, no,’ he answers, distaste at the very thought flitting across his face. How old does a photograph have to be to get into his collection? ‘Recently, 1930s,’ he says, ‘though I am getting more and more into the 1950s and 1960s stuff. It’s so posed, so of the period.’

I ask whether he has ever thought of taking erotic photographs himself. A faint smile appears on his inscrutable face. ‘I’ve never had a stab,’ he says. ‘Maybe I should. I am coming to the age when that kind of thing crosses the mind.’

‘Private Collection: A History of Erotic Photography 1850 to 1940’ is published by Other Criteria at £55. The book contains explicit material. For more information, see othercriteria.com

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

One-Hundred-Eighty-Six

Love and sex conflict and convergence...

Loving you too much, makes me vulnerable...

Making long and gentle sex to you makes me softer...

The sex beast that leaves in me, gets sleepy...

Mixing up my feelings and deeper thoughts...

Am I being addicted to love?

* * * * *

( from Sharing Sexual Flash Moments )

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Sunday, February 17, 2008

One-Hundred-Seventy-Five

W H I P C R A F T
Handcrafted Perfection

Philosophy

WHIPCRAFTs philosophy is to combine classic craftsmanship and beautiful materials to create aesthetic pleasure. The tools are no longer just accessories to play, but an integral part of it. Visual pleasure and physical ecstasy is the ultimate goal – where individual and tool merge into one.

If it were only a matter of function, then the design, in principal, would be unimportant. Human beings, however, have always been attracted by beautiful things that function well because the pleasure of use is thereby increased. The uncompromising quest for the sublime has pushed back the limits of attainability time after time. This is also the philosophy underlying WHIPCRAFT – a classic example of applied art – the point where utility merges with art.

Whips have probably been part of mankind’s history almost as long as we have walked the earth, though the historical sources cannot tell us exactly when humans first wielded them. The first whips were presumably just branches used for the control of domestic animals in the later Stone Age. Since then, and with great ingenuity, various types of whips have been specifically designed for corporal punishment, and the act of punishment is, in principal, still the ultimate purpose of the whip. However, nowadays in civilized societies the whip normally serves only two purposes: either to command obedience from animals - usually horses, or as an erotic seasoning. The whip is strongly symbolic, no matter how one chooses to employ it, and should of course only be used by consenting adults.

The voluntary desire to feel the caress of the whip is richly portrayed in literature. Homage is paid to erotic pleasure by means of the whip in the authorship of the Marquis de Sade and in Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs and of course The Story of “O”, to name but a few of the more striking examples.

WHIPCRAFT is just the latest example of this positive development.

History

WHIPCRAFT originated from personal experience, and the first experiments into constructing the ultimate whip were carried out back in 1986. The first official whip was not, however, presented until November 2003 at the erotic fair Kinky Copenhagen.

The artist behind the designs is sculptor Troels Jespersen, who specializes in wood and is known for using tools and techniques which combine the very best of every type of woodwork. He is renowned for the enthusiasm and burning passion he brings to his work and for his strongly uncompromising spirit. Each work of art must be something special – whether he chops away at a tree-trunk weighing over a ton or delicately fashions the handle of a whip.

It all began in 1985 when Troels first came into contact with the SM scene and joined SMil – the Danish organization for sadomasochists – and for which he later became vice-president. Over the years he has collaborated on art exhibitions, worked in SM counseling, been a member of the SMIL magazine’s editorial board, and as its editor. This involvement in sexual politics also extended to other branches of the media; Troels was a broadcaster on the Copenhagen based Radio Rosa in 1988 and spent several months in London doing research into fetish and SM subcultures. He has also made several television appearances talking about SM and featured in a documentary film about domination. He has also participated in a number of educational films on the subject.

WHIPCRAFT’s web site opened 19th March 2005, and the same day an exhibition of whips was shown at a Manifest fetish party at the premises of SMil, Copenhagen. In 2005 and 2006 WHIPCRAFT also exhibited at the German Fetish Fair in Berlin and at the Skin Two Expo in London.

Today WHIPCRAFT works out of a full-facility workshop house, converted from a redundant pump station, located in the harbour close to the Copenhagen city center.

With a dedication to the tradition of fine whipmaking and aesthetic performance, WHIPCRAFT is your exclusive acteur in the field of sublime whipcrafting.

All items are hand made in our workshop from start to finish, using the very best materials available.

Design & materials

Every item from WHIPCRAFT is hand made from original designs.

Handles are fashioned from classical varieties of wood as well as precious varieties such as ebony and the perhaps lesser known wengé. For many of our models we also use high-gloss lacquer finishing with clear top-coating.

Lashes may be made of hand-cut leather, durable stitched leather, latex or specially treated hair.

The secret behind a whip from WHIPCRAFT is the respect for the laws of physics. Basically, the heavier an object is, the more energy is required to move it. Wind resistance is a factor. WHIPCRAFT whips are light in weight and constructed to minimize wind resistance. Their special design makes them possible to use without gathering the lash in the hand and in use the whip always describes a precise arc, making it easy to control. Moreover, the handle design ensures that any size of hand grips well.

This unique construction is the result of a close study of the laws of physics and their influence on function. Weight must be concentrated in the lash, as a heavy handle takes a great amount of strength to wield and this makes the requisite control almost impossible. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that a light handle is the answer in itself, as it must also keep the lash in check, therefore length is essential.

The result is precise control and direction – not to mention pleasure.

* * * * *
Crazy Whip Appeal
from 3xL: Lust, Love, Latex (December 2007)

Are you stuck thinking about what to give that special dom/me in your life that has everything this holiday season? Well master craftsman, Troels Jespersen of Whipcraft, has just the perfect thing for you, the ultimate tool of corporal punishment, a beautiful, hand made, state of the art flogger. These are not just any old torture toy I’m talking about here, Whipcraft delivers the Rolls Royce of punishment tools, sleek, sexy works of art that will please the eye along with the flesh. Of particular interest to latex fetishists might be the “Dominator DeSade,” flogger which features a rubber coated, hardwood handle as well as latex lashes (ouch!). Available online since 2005, Jespersen’s incredible creations have drawn rave responses at the Manifest Party in Copenhagen, The German Fetish Ball and the Skin Two Expo in London over recent years and it’s easy to see why!

“WHIPCRAFTs philosophy is to combine classic craftsmanship and beautiful materials to create aesthetic pleasure. The tools are no longer just accessories to play, but an integral part of it. Visual pleasure and physical ecstasy is the ultimate goal ñ where individual and tool merge into one.”

Reknowned for his fine woodwork, the Danish artist’s passion for the lash was born back in 1985, when he was introduced to his local BDSM scene, joining Danish SM organization SMil and later becoming the group’s vice-president. Over the years, Jespersen’s passion for the darker side of eros has brought him into the realm of sexual politics, where he has given lectures, radio broadcasts and television appearances educating and pontificating on his favorite subjects.

Want to be the envy of all the other masters and mistresses at your upcoming holiday party? Bend your sub over and open up a can of designer whupass on the dear girl or boy with a Whipcraft!

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

One-Hundred-Seventy-Four

SaSi
The new toy from Je Joue

SaSi is the ultimate, customisable vibrator. Using the latest Sensual Intelligence technology, SaSi is uniquely intuitive. It learns and remembers exactly what you like, giving you the perfect, intense sensual massage every time.

Fantastic for partner foreplay or solo massage

Splashproof, non-porous and bacteria resilient

Removable covers made from phthalate and latex-free medical grade silicone, using the newly patented SMITEN membrane technology

Fully customisable with fascias available in different colours.

Rechargeable

Beautifully packaged ideal as a gift

* * * * *

‘Sensual Intelligence’ Gives New SaSi Sex Toy an Erotic Edge
by Regina Lynn, Sex Drive, Wired

The SaSi personal massager uses “sensual intelligence” to figure out how best to stimulate you. Image: Courtesy of Je Joue

Given the number of smart toys infiltrating the rest of our lives, it puzzles me that it has taken so long for sexual devices to incorporate “sensual intelligence” into their designs.

But we’re finally starting to see sexual appliances that can compete in coolness with The Sharper Image’s kids-of-all-ages catalog, although not necessarily with the Roomba robotic vacuum.

British company Je Joue launched a new product, the SaSi, at the Adult Entertainment Expo last week in Las Vegas. If the original Je Joue oral-sex simulator is like a 60-GB iPod with multiple playlists you design yourself, the SaSi is like an iPod Nano with an automated Most Popular playlist.

The SaSi takes the best of the Je Joue—soft surface material, firm massage finger, sensual movements—and simplifies the control so all you have to do is press a button to say “yay” or “nay” to a particular movement. It also has buttons to control speed and to add or remove vibration.

It’s the first intimate device I’ve seen that remembers your preferences—and then deliberately steps outside those boundaries from time to time, to see what else you might like.

“When we started out with the research for SaSi, we wanted to find the ultimate movement that every woman loved,” says technical
developer Duncan Turner, 28, who I spoke with at the product launch party. “We did a lot of testing with different women and discovered that although there are some similarities, everyone is different, particularly in the combination of movements that they enjoy most.”

When the original Je Joue came out in 2006, I thought everyone would be clamoring for one, because frankly it’s the closest thing to cunnilingus you can get from a robot. I thought that anyone who didn’t want to bother with the whole “create your own motion pattern” aspect would still be pleased with the 10 on-board programs.
It turns out that the very fact that you can program and customize the Je Joue’s patterns of movement, and even exchange those patterns in a forum with other users, makes it sound too complicated for a lot of people.

Not because we’re too stupid to figure out the interface, but because we don’t generally script out solo sex play ahead of time. Not to this degree, anyway.

The tech is easy. The genius is making it work seamlessly with sex.

“Pre-programming movements is challenging for users as it requires precognitive thought for the experience,” Turner explains.

“With a real partner, one would rarely sit down prior to foreplay and explain exactly what they wanted at what point. But communication during the experience is key.”

I admit that even though my Je Joue is my favorite mechanical buddy in terms of how it feels, I don’t reach for it nearly as often as a regular vibrator simply because I’m usually in a hurry.

We can talk big about adult entertainment as a catalyst for sexual exploration, awareness and intimacy, and we’d be right. But let’s face it: Oftentimes, we reach for sexual devices because we want something other than our own hands, but we’re not always planning on a long lovemaking session with ourselves.

We also wonder why we’d spend a couple hundred bucks on a portable love machine when a $40 back massager can take us over the edge in two minutes.

The SaSi team—which also included co-developer Chris Glaister, Je Joue founder Geoff Hollington, three female researchers and many volunteer testers and focus groups—designed the device to have a big enough repertoire of motions that the embedded software has something to work with. After five or so uses, the rudimentary artificial intelligence remembers what you like and puts together a pleasurable, personalized pattern of movements based on your preferences.

“As products become able to do more than simply vibrate or oscillate, the biggest challenge comes with how to interface with the hardware to make sure it does what you want it to do,” Turner says.
As for why adult-product designers aren’t bombarding us with smarter handhelds like this, Turner believes that until very recently, “sex toys have not had enough variation of experience to warrant this sort of intelligence.”

As we become more familiar and comfortable with enhancing our sexual experience through technology, we’ll see more sensitive gadgets that respond to our arousal and that more accurately simulate human touch.

“We (at Je Joue) have always concentrated on using movement, which is a more natural and intuitive form of stimulation than just vibration,” Turner says. “Movement will undoubtedly become more and more prevalent in sexual devices, particularly with the advancement of motor control in robotics and the commercialization of smart materials such as shape-memory alloy and electrostatic polymer actuators.”

The SaSi is opening the door to smarter sexual devices, even as the recent media blitz around David Levy’s book Love + Sex With Robots plants the idea of robotic sex enhancement in our minds.

Of course, the SaSi is far from a love droid. Its success, and the reason it has all the sex writers panting for review units, lies in its simplicity; it may not affect your daily life as much as that Roomba, for example, but it’s even easier to use. And there’s no reason you can’t put both devices to work for you simultaneously.

Thanks to Je Joue’s eager young product developers in London, you can now lie back and think of England even when you’re by yourself.

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Monday, January 21, 2008

Number One-Hundred-Sixty-Six

A R C H I T E C T U R A L

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Forty-Nine

Velda Lauder Corsetiere
(with a h/t to the Lingerie Blog by Petite Coquette in the UK)

On graduating from the College of Design in Dublin, Velda Lauder was head hunted for the creative team at the world-renowned Brown Thomas store, as senior display artist and assistant fashion coordinator. Whilst there she designed her first clothing collection, won a Smirnoff Young Designer of Year Award, and joined the first Dublin based performance art group, Boutiques for Divisions.

In 1994 she relocated to Ibiza, selling her designs and working with the creative design team at the Ku/Privilege Nightclub. From there she moved to London, and immediately found herself designing clothing for rock stars and royalty, and working as a stylist for Tatler and Opera Now.

More recently Velda has specialised in consulting on projects with various high profile celebrities. She created the spectacular head to toe look for Dita Von Teese photographed by the late great Bob Carlos Clarke. George Michael used 3 of her classic looks in his ‘Easier Affair’ video, and Robbie Williams film noir video ‘Love Light’ featured 12 dancers dressed in Velda’s military ‘Peace Warrior Collection’.

In October 2007, the Sugarbabes wore 3 of Velda’s underbust corsets, encrusted with Swarovski crystals for the finale of the Fashion Rocks event shown on Channel 4.

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Thirty

The Case of the ‘Power Jewels’
By J.J. Martin, Fashion Wire Daily Milan

“It’s a portable tabernacle of love!” exclaims Betony Vernon just before unveiling the “Boudoir Box” in her lilac studio in the historic residence of the famous Italian decorative artist Piero Fornasetti. The Anglo-American jewelry designer, a towering Botticelli beauty with tumbling fiery red hair and skin the color of dusty pearls, dramatically moves toward the giant leather box before her and cautiously unlocks its sterling silver hinges and heart clasp.

“I’m dealing with taboos here,” she warns FWD, “and lots of people are either offended or break into giggles.”

With that cryptic introduction, the enormous black leather doors swing open to reveal a stunning assembly of shocking, yet exquisitely beautiful, pieces of handmade jewelry. Shocking only because all of the sterling silver baubles, which resemble valuables dug up in a Victorian boudoir, actually lead double lives as luxury sex toys.

“These are what I call power jewels,” says the designer, fingering the impressive line-up of edgy rings, necklaces, bracelets and piercings, which are hung like weapons in an arsenal lined in luscious kid goat skin.

Vernon, a former model and accomplished goldsmith with 17 years of jewelry making experience, is herself a radiating female force as she provides FWD with a PG-13 demonstration of each of the custom-made “sado-chic” pieces.

“This whip makes a great necklace,” she says, showing how a heavy sterling silver handle fits perfectly around the curve of her neck and the long leather strips are clasped in front to form a chic long trail down the chest.

“Feel the effect of these rings,” she urges, while drawing sophisticated rings with large silver balls or a horizontal row of pearls across the arm. The sensation is outstanding, but using the tool on this part of the body seems a bit like test-driving a Ferrari in a cramped parking lot.

“Believe me, in the bedroom, your boyfriend will be thrilled with this,” she says with a playful wink.

Just as she does in her private showings to individual clients, Vernon dives in wholeheartedly, and unabashedly, into shocking details of the form, action and resulting body function of each of her seemingly innocent jewels. Without going into explicit details, let’s just say some of these jewels are going places no precious stone has ever gone before.

“I’m really quite naughty,” she says unapologetically.

A non-plussed Barnaba Fornasetti, Vernon’s companion for the last 10 years, peeks in to the proceedings taking place in his late father’s famous studio and smiles at what seems like typical fervor from his redheaded lioness.

“Have you seen what’s offered in those awful, tacky sex shops?!!” Vernon exclaims with horror, jumping into an explicit description of the kind of purple plastic wares that she says are a total turn-off. “The world needs me!”

Tom Ford may have just come out with his own spanker sex toy for Gucci, but Vernon has mined the upscale erotic territory since 1996 when she offered pearl studded gold handcuffs, then later whip necklaces, alongside her more straight-laced designs for her established jewelry line entitled BV by Betony Vernon.

Needless to say, many American retailers turned a prudish nose away from the jewel tools. But Vernon pushed on with her vision, conducting extensive research into sexology and historical sex objects over the years while developing a specialized collection called “Paradise Found.” The culmination is her trademark Boudoir Box, a shrine of light bondage toys aimed at private clients with a penchant for Rolls-Royce-style sex play.

“I’m not an S&M dominatrix bitch,” she announces, while drawing on one of several Golden Virginia hand rolled cigarettes and crossing her endless legs in a demure pose. “This is pro-love. It’s about empowering people, especially women to explore and discover their bodies. It’s like ‘c’mon girls, stand up straight, stick out those boobs, and be a lady!’”

Using casting molds, Vernon custom-makes every piece in the box according to the personal dimensions and physical desires of her male and female customers. The result is a series of exceptionally original jewelry, which is as beautiful to wear as it is titillating to use.

But they’re not just climax inducing. Vernon has also designed some remarkable cuffs and unusual rings that cling to the skin like puddles of silvery water. One two-fingered ring enforces a “chi mudra” yoga pose with the thumb and forefinger to stimulate concentration and relaxation. Whisper-weight body chains can be worn on the hands or cascading down the back, as one recent client did with her backless evening gown.

Amidst all of the passionate fury surrounding her erotic jewelry, Vernon still finds time to produce commercial collections for Japanese retailer Kashiyama, as well as a line of jewelry featuring Fornasetti’s famous decorative art motifs.

Later, while sitting in her hidden garden, the 34-year-old designer reveals her other most recent endeavor—designing a new collection of precious jewelry for Italian fashion designer Gianfranco Ferré.

“Ferré is a genius, he has such an eye,” she says while describing working side by side with the former architect for the last year.

“He’s never been here,” she says, referring to her studio and home space, “so I don’t even know if he knows what I’ve been working on lately!”

Ferré doesn’t have much to worry about, though. The gold and diamond 30-piece collection, which bows in Ferré stores in September, won’t be making any X-rated statements.

“It’s actually based largely upon the safety pin, which is an iconic symbol for Ferré’s style.” The line, which is composed of various rings, necklaces, money clips and cuffs, many of which morph into new pieces, are interchangeable.

But this creative, independent woman isn’t swapping high profile collaborations for the freedom to navigate her work and develop her passion. “I don’t ride golden ponies. I prefer to walk,” she explains.

For a private viewing of Betony Vernon’s “Boudoir Box,” or for information on her other designs, please contact: betony@planet.it or write to: P.O. Box 1309, Milan, Italy 20101. 

* * * * *
Paradise Found
Milan, Paris
by Jason Campbell, JCReport

The first impression of the fetching Betony Vernon is that her world must consist of many layers of intrigue. The flaming red hair, an hourglass shape, a tentative yet commanding voice; and then there’s the miniscule phone-numberless card printed with the words Paradise Found that she hands you — all appear to tell a fascinating tale. We set out to discover more.

Vernon’s world is as titillating as one would suspect and the paradise we found centers around pleasure. Based in Milan and working out of Paris, London, and indeed the world, Vernon’s profile is directly from the pages of a Stanley Kubrick script. Paradise Found sells a selection of erotic jewels and “Jewel Tools,” some available at Coco de Mer in London and Maxfield in Los Angeles. But the company’s mere existence (never mind its complete offering) is only known among an elite group of members and insiders.

As this is our gift buying issue, Paradise Found’s Petting ring tops our list of suggested cadeaux this season. Vernon had it patented in 2001 but it has remained a tightly held secret until the recent sniffing about of fashion players set to blow the lid. The Petting ring (don’t you love how that sounds?) is sized for men and women, connects to the index finger and the thump to form the chi MURDA (you know, that yoga/meditation gesture for a one-pointed, concentrated mind) but is also designed to perform an awesome, ahem, hand job. It comes in 18-carat gold or silver, with pave diamonds optional, and can be worn as a beautiful ring when not stroking.

Further into Paradise Found’s arsenal of unisex pleasure power tools are the Yoyo ring, a sexually stimulating massage ring, and the whip collar (diamond handle optional) that doubles as a sophisticated necklace that mixes fashion and fetish, boldly going where squares don’t dare. Both are formidable gift options this season.

Vernon says “love is a spiritual thing” and she’s found ways to fully immerse some very fortunate clients in a well-rounded Paradise Found experience. Most enticing is her Boudoir box, a treasure trove that comes in croc, ostrich or Beluga, stocked with custom-made sex toys-cum-jewelry that the designer travels with Bond-style across the globe. There’s an appointment-only salon in Paris where all of Paradise Found’s offerings are on display, and Vernon conducts erotic events and private consulting for couples in luxury hotel rooms and private clubs like Soho House in London. Give the gift of pleasure this season.

* * * * *
Paradise Found in Paris
from Paris Gridskipper

Not a million miles away from la Place de la Bastille is what Paris’ premier erotic bookstore La Musardine’s owners described as “the most exclusive sex club on the Planet.” If you’d like to explore eroticism with an aesthetic and elegant flavor you need to find some way to gain admittance to Betony Vernon’s Paradise Found. The location is secret, but the address is very central—minutes away in Bastille, shoppers go about their mundane errands. The address is known only to Paradise Found members; new members must be sponsored by someone already part of the group. So what’s going on behind the velvet drapes?

Anglo-American Betony Vernon is a jewelry designer who has created custom made jewels for collectors and exclusive boutiques, such as the Coco de Mer in London and Los Angeles as well as Kiki de Montparnasse in New York. In the 1990s she renounced a career as a runway model (although this arresting Boticellian beauty is still much photographed) and refined her jewelry-making skills with Florentine masters of repoussé, mosaic, and engraving. After attaining her masters degree in industrial design at Domus Academy in Milan, she became the principal jewelry designer for Italian interior design firm Fornasetti and for Gianfranco Ferre. Research in eroticism and the history of sex and sensuality gave birth to the “Paradise Found” collection, which she launched publicly in 2001. These “jewel tools for aesthetic love-making” have inspired her forthcoming PhD thesis in human sexuality.

Once you pass through those deep velvet drapes at Paradise Found, you’ll see how Vernon has arranged the boudoir to pulse with sensuality. The main room houses a frankly raunchy little saddle and stirrups get-up and a beaded corset by Mister Pearl (an English corset maker) on a tailor’s dummy. The beautifully padded and upholstered walls also serve as a gallery featuring erotic photographs, one of which shows a pair of sole-less silver shoes tip tapping across a naked back; that one was photographed by Michael James O’Brien, who worked for years with Matthew Barney. And it’s Vernon’s own design, of course.

Paradise Found is ostensibly dedicated to the pleasures of safe, aesthetic, creative sex between consenting adults. The salon allows members private consultations with Vernon, with an aim to developing sexual awareness, improving sexual skills, and general erotic well being. Members can order the Salon’s limited edition artwork, participate in events and talks, and arrange consultations with international sex specialists.

Of course, there’s also the chance Vernon might allow you to peep inside the Boudoir Box, which is only opened by invitation; its contents are never photographed. Inside are erotic jewels designed to heighten sexual awareness and multiply pleasure. (The Salon is the only place the Boudoir box can be discreetly viewed and privately ordered.) These accessories allow you to do things with your mouth, hands, and your sex, but the use of tools add an aesthetic factor and allow you to do these things better and longer. Rings, belts, chains, and earrings all have multiple functions. For instance, the rings could be used as a runner for bondage cords, or worn on different parts of the body. Metallic fronds from earrings delightfully swish over your erogenous collar bones but could become testicle ticklers later on in the evening.

Vernon’s frank tips and ideas about how to experiment and enjoy the objects are all part of the process. She suggests using the jewelry as a secret sign that one is in the mood. She believes jewels are for the inside of the body too, and promoting sexual confidence is part of her mission.

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Twenty-Five

Mistresses and muses
Famous seductresses of artists reap riches, notoriety and on occasion, a postmortem miniseries
by Cynthia Robins, SF Chronicle (2001)

In early, more opulently decadent times, the courtesan was an integral part of high society. Sometimes she was the king’s mistress; other times she was the poet’s muse, the painter’s model, the princeling’s plaything. She was interesting, beguiling, tempting and all those forbidden delicious things. And she was not a prostitute, nor was she . . . a wife.

At the turn of the 20th century, however, the courtesan/seductress ideal melded with the wifely mode. These were women who, by pure talent, connections or both, were catapulted into a raffish society of artists, musicians, composers and sculptors—the men who defined 20th century culture.

Obviously, the template is still fascinating, since three of these seductresses have recently become fodder for modern entertainment. The first is Alma Schindler, who bedded then wedded Gustav Mahler. She has been the subject of several books, including a new docu-novel by Max Phillips called “The Artist’s Wife.” “Bride of the Wind,” the 1992 biography by Suzanne Keegan, recently was turned into a Merchant Ivory-style film starring Jonathan Pryce as Mahler and Sarah Wynter as Alma.

Sarah Wynter plays Alma Shindler Mahler, muse to Gustav Mahler (Jonathan Pryce) in “Bride of the Wind.” The composer insisted that his wife put her own musical aspirations aside.

Lady Caroline Blackwood, the delicately beautiful, alcoholic, English-Irish satirical writer who married an artist (Lucian Freud), a composer (Israel Citkovitz) and a poet (Robert Lowell) before dying at the age of 68, is the subject of the well-received biography “Dangerous Muse” by Nancy Schoenberger.

Lady Caroline Blackwood was called a “femme fatale” by one of her lovers, the writer Cyril Connolly. Photo by Walker Evans, from “Dangerous Muse: The Life of Lady Caroline Blackwood”

Finally, there was Pamela Harriman, the U.S. ambassador to France when she died in February 1997. She managed to marry up from a Churchill (Sir Winston’s lackluster son Randolph) to an American patrician, Averell Harriman. Along the way, she collected such famous lovers as Italian industrialist Gianni Agnelli, Elie de Rothschild, Edward R. Murrow, Bill Paley and lyricist Leland Hayward, whom she married after she stole him from his wife, Lady Slim Keith. Harriman was the subject of two lengthy and dishy biographies, “Life of the Party,” by Christopher Ogden, and “Reflected Glory,” by Sally Bedell Smith, as well as a TV miniseries starring Ann-Margret.

Pamela Harriman.

Before Alma, Pamela and Lady Caroline, courtesans captivated men, but their loosey-goosey morals prevented them from being marriage material. But at the turn of the 20th century, in the midst of la vie boheme, it became acceptable for a man to marry a woman of questionable virtue, particularly if she was talented, well-born and beautiful.

It was a difficult society to enter and an even harder one to leave because all were connected by elaborate, cross-disciplinary associations. But a woman could move from affair to marriage to affair to yet another (or often a third) marriage. Each time, she catapulted herself up the food chain to more powerful and more talented men. She was, in effect, a serial super groupie.

Alma Schindler, for instance, lost her virginity to her composition teacher, married Mahler, then met German architect and father of the Bauhaus movement Walter Gropius at a health spa. She carried on extended affairs with painters Gustav Klimt and Oscar Kokoschka before marrying Gropius and then leaving him for Berlin-born writer Franz Werfel ("Song of Bernadette").

Mahler dedicated symphonic movements to Alma, and Kokoschka painted “Bride of the Wind” as a paean to their passion. When she gave him up, he had a life- size Alma doll created that he took everywhere with him, even to bed.

These Circes-without-portfolio either chose to luxuriate in the reflected glory of their conquests or were forced to sublimate their talent to their stronger-willed partners, until, alone at the end of their lives, finally realized their own gifts. Early in their engagement, Mahler told Alma, a budding composer, that there was room in their marriage for only one artist and he was it.

What they had in common was an ineffable ability to fascinate: “When people talk about women like Pamela—and this is also the gift of a great politician,” says biographer Smith, they speak of their “ability to make every person they’re talking to the center of the universe. This great listening ability and rapt attention tinged with adoration is absolutely mesmerizing to men.”

Pamela Digby Churchill Hayward Harriman wasn’t particularly talented (except at co-opting other women’s men). When she took Hayward away from his wife, Babe Paley remarked: “It was as if he had fallen into a tub of butter.”

In Blackwood’s case, her breathtaking beauty and inexplicable silences forced men to fill in the gaps. Said a lover, British wit Cyril Connolly, Caroline “was a femme fatale with large green eyes, a waiflike creature who inspires romantic passion.”

Caroline was always the one to leave a relationship, said another lover, screenwriter Ivan Moffat.

Blackwood was also cast, unwillingly it seems, in the role of muse. Andrew Harvey, an Oxford fellow, poet and writer who befriended her after the death of Robert Lowell, her third husband, commented: “She wanted to be creating her own things. But she did inspire and initiate men in their creativity. It was her destiny to play that role.”

Another trait these women shared was a complete disregard for the sexual mores of the time. “There was a willingness not to particularly give a damn about what other people thought,” says Smith, whose latest biography, “Diana in Search of Herself,” is about the late Princess of Wales. “Their kind of ambition was to push forward regardless of the collateral damage.”

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Friday, September 28, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Fifteen

7:3 CHOCOLATES: ADVENTURE IN A BOX

Complex and funky, pure and satisfying, 7:3 Chocolates are uncompromising in their excellence. We combine the finest chocolate with fresh cream and natural fruit juices, extracts, and spices to create chocolates that leave candy bars in the dust. Our truffles contain no artificial flavors and no added sugar, because great chocolate doesn’t need complications.

7:3 Chocolates signature dome-shaped truffles develop and concentrate the flavors from the first bite through the finish. The crisp chocolate shell gives way to smooth creamy ganache infused with unique and compelling combinations. When you look down and notice an empty box, we’re sure you’ll agree with our philosophy.

We love making these fine truffles and dreaming up new flavors to seduce and surprise you. 7:3 Chocolates appreciates your patronage and hopes to see you again soon.

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Monday, September 24, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Twelve

The Strange World of Women’s Private Time
Interview by Jon, PingMag (August 2006)

Tucked away in a quiet, Aoyama backstreet is Space Yui, a charming little event space that is currently host to an unusual exhibition by illustrator Makiko Sugawa. Entitled “Women’s Private Time”, this collection of 50 line drawings depicts women in a variety of positions and situations - from the erotic to the bizarre. PingMag had the chance to ask Makiko some quick questions about her illustrations.

An Osaka resident, “Women’s Private Time” is Makiko’s first exhibition in Tokyo.

“Lace Queen” is a play on words - “Race Queen” is the Japanese word for a bikini-clad female racing car model.

PingMag: In your illustrations, more so than facial features or body detail, my eyes are drawn to the clothes. They are so detailed and fashionable - do you have any aspirations in fashion design?

Makiko: I love to draw them but sadly I have absolutely no skills in making clothes! Illustration allows me to experiment - as you can see with all the lace detailing and beadwork. I think yes, it might be fun to prototype clothes on paper for a fashion house.

I think Agent Provocateur should give you a call…

Other than lacy lingerie, some illustrations featured archetypal “erotic” costumes, such as the above nurse.

This exhibition focuses on what you call “Women’s Private Time” - I wonder, would you ever consider doing something similar with men as the focus?

Haha no! I’ve only tried to draw men a few times - I’m just no good at it! But also, I find it so much more interesting to draw women - there’s a real sensuality, a sense of drama; lots of underlying emotions and themes that make it much more satisfying, to me.

The illustrations with the small animal characters are among Makiko’s latest (and currently favourite) work.

A series of 6 illustrations in this exhibition features a sexy, female form - with a false leg or even an amputated leg. How do you think audiences react to this?

Naturally I expect it to have some kind of impact. I think it creates an interesting contrast - we have this erotic female form dressed in lingerie, with a rather mechanical looking leg. I wonder if it’s then possible for the audience to attach a sense of beauty to something that is mechanical, artificial?

Something like sexiness by osmosis…

Yes. Also, I wanted to see if such a style could even be considered fashionable in its own right.

Beautifully detailed lacework on the girls’ underwear

The Good Girl’s Guide To Bad Girl Sex

Makiko’s illustration work can also be seen in the Japanese translation of The Good Girl’s Guide To Bad Girl Sex, shown above.

“Women’s Private Time” illustrations and information can be seen here.

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Eleven

An interview about Sense & Sensuality
Written by Uleshka, PingMag

On a night out in London in 2000 I met two giggling women around Hoxton Square ringing a door-bell to get into a shop. Curious by nature I simply decided to follow them - and found myself in an erotic empire for women only. I felt pretty misplaced and embarrassed when one of the staff held a vibrator to my nose explaining that this was the way to test its strength….

Now years have passed and the whole erotic market has really opened up for women. Sex and the City did tremendous changes to a general awareness of sex-toys, brands like Coco de Mer offer “tools for bedroom art”, Myla invited big name creators like Tom Dixon or Marc Newson to design sex toys for them and all that seems perfectly acceptable… Does it? How much has really changed? Aren’t there still many women around feeling uncomfortable by the thought of having to enter a sex-shop, no matter if it’s called “erotic boutique” or not? Aren’t there plenty, who want to do something to enhance their sexuality, but don’t quite have the courage to start with something as full on as a Shiri Zinn piece? Or think the other way around - ever noticed men who lose their confidence watching their partner being hooked on Rabbits? How much do toys actually enhance your sex life? Isn’t there still something missing?

PingMag talked to Charles Hayes - who very recently started his own sensual well-being brand Sense & Sensuality in London - about the misconceptions in the industry and how his products actually get you talking - enjoying a healthier, relaxed and fun relationship. Read on!

Charles, when and why did you decide to set up a business for a sensual well-being range of massage oils, lubricants and accessories?

Some research I had been doing for my masters degree pointed to major shifts of interest in wellbeing (health plus emotional & aesthetic context) moving away from the clinical and medical to the more holistic and pampering. Sex was clearly one area that had been overlooked in these holistic regimens, yet 40% of British women experience sexual dysfunction. It’s a buried issue that has a massive impact on people’s lives. I focused my MA degree show at Central St. Martins College of Art & Design on creating a future sex retail environment that solved the problems of accessibility, comfort, information and luxury.

How do you interpret “luxury” then? We will get to the accessibility later…

For S&S it’s about the luxury of having a great sex life, no matter who you are or what your interest is. It’s about knowing that the products you buy from S&S are of the best quality, actually good for you and fun at the same time. The days of healthy AND indulgent being opposites are over. People want to indulge and excite and not feel guilty and unhealthy for it.

What kind of “users” are you aiming at then?

35-50 year old women AND their partners. I feel that the by women, for women- movement has passed, and it’s time for men and women to be on equal footing, have real conversations about sex and respect each others feelings and celebrate each other’s differences.

What do you think happens to an insecure man in a questionably stable relationship when he passes in front of an Ann Summers in London and sees a poster called the “Evolution of Man” and the last rung on the stairs is a rabbit vibrator? Do heterosexual women really want to project an image of vibrators replacing their partners? That causes more problems in the bedroom than the vibrator is worth!

Hm! I get your point! Seems like there is some conversation missing, but what actually gets you talking? Bringing home a sex toy might be a pretty forced on way to break the ice…

I believe if you’re really going to help the majority of people, you’ve got to start the conversation earlier than introducing a toy. Most sex psychotherapists will tell you that fixing a sexual problem and or exploring a new sensual fantasy starts with communication.

Things like massage oils are “safer” ways to start the physical communication that can over time lead to more adventurous explorations such as toys. However, certainly toys are a terrific way of helping women discover their own bodies and can be completely appropriate in the right context.

How do you think massage oils can improve your sexual health and pleasure? How do you get over embarrassing conversations and move on just with that?

You’ll have to read a great interview on the S&S website with a sex psychotherapist that explains the importance of techniques such as sensate focus and physical communication in sexual relationships. Something as simple as a massage oil can introduce an entirely new physical language into a relationship, revealing new discoveries about a lover’s body while at the same time creating a context for relaxation, comfort and contact.

In what way do you think differs pleasure design for women to sex toys for men?

I conducted some research with a group of women this past february. When I asked them what comes to mind when I say “sensual wellbeing”, they answered: touch, smell, warmth, confidence… When I asked them what comes to mind when I say “sexual health” they said: men, disease, divorce!

The male sex shop is a very physical experience. By that I mean it’s all about the act, about revealing, about cutting to the chase. Which - by the way - I believe a lot of men are also tired of. Don’t even get me started on the whole issue of male sensuality! Rest assured that S&S will be addressing this in future collections…

The female take on it is about foreplay, teasing, narrative, concealing… Unfortunately, most of the retail environments for women have slipped into perpetuating female sexual stereotypes rather than promoting respect and communication between couples…

Overall you sound very much like an educator in this field. What products or programs do you actually offer to people then?

This industry is full of misinformation, taboos, and urban myth. Working with sex psychotherapists has been critical in helping me understand how to approach this subject with people and also give them the tools and “permission” to solve their problems and answer their questions.

I will be featuring a series of articles on various experts from sex psychotherapists to medical doctors to aromtherapists to researchers to tantra gurus in an effort to help people find something of interest to them. At the same time, I will be hosting a series of exclusive sexpert events in London which will also educate and inform.

So for the time being - your natural products and accessories are a help to get you started. Still when getting further, what would a good sex toy be in your opinion then?

I think sex toys are starting to experience the same problem as handheld devices, people tend to try and integrate as many functions as possible, known as convergence, when really a couple of really simple and high quality objects in the right contexts does a much better job.

I believe that the toy must be functional and aesthetic. It needs to be designed with a user in mind, grounded in some serious medical, ergonomic and ethnographic research! LELO are the ones doing it right!

Tapered at one end, rounded at another, the toy is small enough to sit comfortably in the palm of your hand. It’s “an everyday sensual massager. comes included with gift box, charger, introduction manual, a satin carry pouch

Visually, LELO draws its inspiration from a mix of elements, the main being; the natural curves of the female body, abstract sculptural shapes, contemporary fashion, ergonomics and the ever present question: how to invoke in an inanimate object the essence of sexy and sensual allure?

When you look at product placement, I find it quite amazing to see that a couple of years ago condoms were in the most hidden corner of my local drugstore, then they moved to a more open space an extended their product range and now they are even placed at the very best spot along with lubricants, massage tools and traditional condom companies such as Durex collaborated with people like Seymour Powell and bridge over to sex toys with their Play series products. I find that quite an amazing development!

Exactly! It is a leap forward in my opinion to move these products into a visible and ‘normalized’ context. However, many people still associate purchasing a lubricant or oil from a drugstore as a medical or clinical experience. That is where I see my products coming in.

So where will you place your products, then?

I don’t want to sell in low-end drugstores or sex shops at all. My products should be visible in the health & beauty section of selected department stores and boutiques and should be a first step to try out something new with your partner. A woman might never enter a seedy looking sex shop in her life, but when she sees sensual health care products in a bright and trustworthy environment, this could actually help her to jump over a few barriers and make a first change.

What is in demand now? What has been missing so far?

Burlesque has been hot for a good 3 years now, don’t know if it will be for another 3. What’s missing? Things that actually impact people’s sexual satisfaction! Healthy products that are fun and sexy, that don’t embarrass people, that actually work and serve a purpose, and that say it’s ok to be who you are!

If people want to explore their sensuality, they should be able to do it in a way that doesn’t harm them. (toxins, parabens, chemical leaks) They have these options for organic food and natural cosmetics, why not for sensual goods?

Thanks a lot, Charles!

* * * * *

Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant.  Unpretentious.  Unconventional. ©

Friday, September 21, 2007

Number One-Hundred-Ten

Here’s To You, Mrs. Robinson
By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, Special to LifeScript

Gossip columns had a field day when Katie Couric, 50, started stepping out with a new 32-year-old boyfriend. Tongues initially wagged when Halle Berry, 40, seemed to find happiness with her 31-year-old model beau, Gabriel Aubry. While celebrity romances are always news, what catches many people’s attention about these matches are the age differences. Meanwhile, men like Donald Trump have splashed around in younger dating pools for years and no one bats an eye. Are the tables turning at last? Absolutely…

“We’ve radically changed our vision of women at forty, fifty, sixty, but there’s still a sense that wouldn’t you rather have a thirty-year-old?” says sexologist Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love and the Sensual Years (Collins, 2007). “We don’t get it because we generally don’t think men are capable of loving women for deeper reasons than their beautiful, young bodies. It’s not very respectful of men to think they can’t, but the fact is most men are looking for a younger woman, so the stereotype is based on a lot of data.”

Of course, the stereotype cuts both ways. There’s an equally ingrained expectation that women will “marry up” in terms of age, status, identity, and financial security. But as women have found their own status and financial security, the dating landscape has started to shift. Not so long ago, dating a younger man was seen as strange and pathetic; now it’s hardly extraordinary.

Celebrity Trend-Setters
“It’s taken off so hugely because of the celebrities,” notes Toronto relationship expert Valerie Gibson, author of Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men (Firefly Books, 2002). Among the ranks of celebrity women with younger men are Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Julianne Moore and Bart Freundlich, and Geena Davis and her husband, Dr. Reza Jarrahy.

“It does help that Katie Couric is dating someone seventeen years younger, and that Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher,” Gibson says. “It gives legitimacy to it in the eyes of North American people.

“The reason they [celebrities] are with younger men is a) it’s becoming acceptable and b) women are so fantastic these days,” Gibson adds. “We’ve been indoctrinated throughout history that at a certain age we’re just finished, we’re not desirable or sexy – which is absolute rubbish.”

Rubbish indeed. Older women have never looked better. Of course, there have always been women who were sexy at any age – Sophia Loren and Catherine Deneuve, for instance. But with the general youthification of culture (40 is the new 30 and so on), we’ve learned how to age sensually and take better care of ourselves: power workouts, healthy eating, skin treatments, and anti-aging lotions. And, of course, there are cosmetic surgeries that can nip, tuck, lift, and smooth the years away.

We’re seeing an “enormous social shift,” Gibson says. As proof, she cites the popularity of events like the Cougar Cruise on Lake Ontario, which she organized for years when she was the Toronto Sun’s sex and relationship columnist. “We were swamped with younger men. They lined up five deep,” she recalls. Then there’s UrbanCougar.com, a site that gleefully chronicles the exploits of cougars and their “cubs.”

“Women are more secure with their sexuality and their power, and men aren’t feeling so constrained by expectations about the kind of woman they should couple with,” says Branford, Connecticut sex therapist P. Michele Sugg. “It takes a lot of security on both sides to be comfortable with this type of relationship. You have to be the kind of person who’s willing to say, ‘I don’t care what people think. I’m just going to enjoy the relationship.’”

“Older women who date younger men are often very independent, very confident,” Gibson says. “And they’ve also found what men have found – that having control of your own money and your business life gives you enormous freedom to choose and act as you wish.”

Pop Culture Weighs In
Women also now have some admirable icons to replace negative, pop culture stereotypes from movies like The Graduate and Harold & Maude, not to mention the plays of Tennessee Williams. Goodbye, Mrs. Robinson. Hello, Sex and the City’s Samantha, the uber-cougar who bedded gorgeous young guys without ridicule, guilt or retribution.

Then there’s this summer’s hot TV series Age of Love, a Bachelor-like dating show that pitted women age 39-48 against 20-somethings in a competition for the affections of an Australian tennis star. Another TV series, Saving Grace, also recently made its debut, featuring Holly Hunter as a sheriff with a taste for younger guys. And coming soon is The Cougar Club, starring Faye Dunaway, a movie about college grads who discover the charms of older women.

The fact that 40-plus women are presented as desirable, plausible options is certainly telling.

Wouldn’t You Like to Be a Cougar, Too?
Gibson didn’t coin the term cougar, but she takes some credit for putting a new spin on it when she took it as the title for her 1992 book. Once a slur for a boozy woman lurching after younger guys in dive bars, Gibson turned it into a compliment.

“I thought, what a fabulous symbol,” she says. “It’s a beautiful creature, so sleek and gorgeous and in control. It’s got a lot of power and strength.”

By strict definition, cougars are women in their late-30s to 60s on the prowl for exciting, sexually charged – albeit short-term – relationships. But these days, Gibson says, it could apply to any woman who’s involved with a younger man, whether it’s for short-term fun or long-term commitment. After all, Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher.

“I’ve had 34- and 35-year-old women tell me they’re cougars,” Gibson says. “One woman was even 28, dating a 22-year-old. I said, ‘Okay… if you want to be a cougar, you can choose to be.’”

And why not? For the women, there’s the thrill of being the alpha female, the one in the driver’s seat. Plus, being with a guy whose erection isn’t dependent on a little blue pill – and whose recovery time is measured in hours, not days – has charms all its own.

But perhaps most important, it puts a lot more fish in the proverbial sea. The fact is, when single women reach a certain age, the dating pool shrinks dramatically because so many men their age and older are married, gay or dating sweet young things themselves. Dating younger guys gives women new waters to chart.

Better yet, it can be refreshing to date someone who grew up in a different generation. Younger men “are not caught in the role constraints that older men tend to feel caught in,” Sugg says. “They don’t have the shoulds about relationships that older guys have.”

That said, age-gap relationships come with some unique features, so before you cast your lures, keep these dos and don’ts in mind:

DON’T dwell on the age gap. See it as a plus, not a pitfall, Gibson advises. “There’s this sharing of information that you get when you’re with younger people that keeps you up to date.” For instance, one of her husbands exposed her to rave music. “I hated it, but at least I knew what it was,” she says.

Regardless of whether you see it as a pitfall or a plus, “you’ve got to get over the fact that he’s younger, and he’s got to get over the fact that you’re older,” Schwartz warns. “This should disappear pretty quickly. If it’s a playful thing between you, no problem. But if he’s calculating how soon you’re going to die, that’s not going to work.”

DON’T obsess about your body. Women of all ages worry that their bodies aren’t up to snuff. But it can be even more worrisome if you feel like you’re competing in the beauty Olympics with women who are 10-15 years younger. Keep this in mind: “When you get into bed with a younger man, the last thing he remembers is whether your breasts drooped or you had cellulite,” Gibson says. “What he does remember is that he had the best sex ever.”

When Gibson was with the Toronto Sun, she asked readers to send in pictures and stories about their “May-December” relationships. “Far from looking like Demi Moore, the women were overweight, average, everyday women you’d see at the mall,” she recalls. “But what the men saw in the women is something else. It’s vitality. They make them laugh. They’re wonderful in bed. It has nothing to do with looks. They have other skills, other assets that obviously appeal.”

DO talk about babies. Maybe you don’t want children. Or you want children but need to have them right away. Or you’ve had children, but don’t want more. Whatever your situation, make sure you’re both on the same page. “You don’t want to put your heart out there and then find out they want a deal you can’t make,” Schwartz says.

This was a front-burner issue for Debra D’Avignon and Shane Schimpf, a Seattle couple who’ve been together for 10 years. D’Avignon is nearly 50; Schimpf is 40 – together they have one son. “It would have been nice to take some fabulous vacations and get to know each other better before adding a little one to the mix,” D’Avignon says. But because of age and a ticking biological clock, “we had to start our family earlier,” she says.

However, that too was a compromise because D’Avignon knows her husband wanted a larger family. “I told him, ‘If two kids is really important to you, then you can’t marry me.’ That could have been a deal-breaker.”

DO think about the money. The classic assumption is that a young guy is only after an older woman’s money. Of course, it’s not always true, but if you’re at the top of your game and he’s just starting out, chances are your wallet is bigger than his. Picking up the tab doesn’t make you a sugar mama, but you ought to think about how shouldering the lion’s share of financial responsibility sits with you.

“If you’re okay with paying, that’s one thing,” Sugg says. “But if you’re feeling used, then there’s something to figure out with your partner. Maybe it means you’re relegated to pizza instead of fancy steak dinners, but at least it’s leveling the playing field so you don’t feel uncomfortable.”

DO think about your social circle. In the beginning you may be wrapped up in each other. But if your relationship has legs, eventually you’re going to want to mix and mingle. And according to Schwartz, one of the toughest parts of an age-gap relationship is figuring out whom to spend time with socially. “You have to find a mixture of people so you don’t always feel out of water,” she says.

DO develop a thick skin. Inevitably, you’ll run into insensitive and cruel people who will make snide comments about boy toys or even assume that your date is your son.

The more secure you are, the less embarrassed you’ll feel. If you want to turn the tables and put the person who made the comment on the spot, Schwartz suggests asking, “What makes you think this is my son?” Or wink and say, “I’d be put in jail if this was my son.” Schwartz’s advice? Saying “something confident, sexy and unflummoxed is the best way.”

Could You Be A Cougar?
NBC’s Bachelor-like dating show, Age of Love, features older women competing against younger women for the attentions of a 30-year-old Australian tennis star. Does dating young guys make you feel like you’ve got it goin’ on… or like you’re robbing the cradle? Take our cougar quiz and find out!

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At first take Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men seems frivolous and perhaps even sexist. Do we, in this enlightened age, even need to spend time thinking about such things? Haven’t we passed the era when an older woman with a younger man will attract shocked comments and glances? According to Valerie Gibson, the relationships columnist for The Toronto Sun, and a self-acknowledged pioneer cougar, we have not.

Gibson feels that, beyond the fun of Cougar, her book is about empowering women of a certain age to keep reaching for the brass ring and that reaching 35—or 45, 55, 65 or more—doesn’t mean you should give up your sexuality, your vibrancy or your ability to have fun. Though “empowerment,” Gibson insists, is not the right word. “That sounds almost as though it’s some kind of crushing thing, which it isn’t. It’s about doing something in life, even if people condemn you for it or are against it. But if you feel it’s right for you, you should do it.”

Gibson could be the poster girl for her book. At 62, and with five marriages behind her, The Toronto Sun’s relationship columnist exudes a frank and friendly sexuality that she is, if anything, quite proud of. “I’m a pioneer cougar, really,” she laughs. “Because I’m quite a bit older than that age group. I tend to say I’m an older cougar teaching younger cougars the tricks.”

Linda Richards: When I saw the title of your book I laughed and I thought it was fun, but the term “cougar” hasn’t always been meant in such flattering terms.

Valerie Gibson: In the old days they weren’t known as cougars and [were] never nicely known. People were very condemning. That woman, people would say. Or: scarlet woman. Slut.

There’s certainly a lengthy history for cougarism.

Well, for older women having relationships with younger men, oh yes. It goes back in history. But it was hidden. Always, always hidden. Never came out, if that’s the word, for someone to say: Yes, I’m having a relationship with a younger man and I want everyone to know. No one would do that. No woman. Because of the severe condemnation. Now a man, absolutely. [Laughs] Put it up in lights: I’m dating 20 years younger, aren’t I clever and everybody would applaud and celebrate that. And, really, it’s exactly the same relationship. Exactly the same. Older man, younger woman and younger man, older woman. There is no difference, except one thing: babies. Procreation and so on. An older woman does not usually want children; she’s probably got a couple. Two or three maybe or whatever. Doesn’t want to do it again and may not even want marriage.

But is there still such a stigma attached?

Yes, there is. It’s nowhere near as bad. I wrote a book 10 years ago on a similar subject and you’d think I’d written something about incest. In fact there are more books out on incest—can you believe that?—than there is on this subject: older women dating younger men. I find that horrifying because this is two single people enjoying each other, enjoying an alternative relationship, as they’re known today—and yet they’re condemned for it.

This whole book is geared towards boosting older women’s self-esteem. I really get very angry that older women are sort of told that they’re not valuable. They’re not desirable. They’re not wanted. Young, young, young. Youth, youth, youth. Beauty. They haven’t got what the modern world takes in order to be valuable to society. That’s absolute crap and absolute rubbish. They are valuable and older women today go into their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s looking fantastic. And feeling good and fit. Working—some of us—work forever. [Laughs]

You know, it’s not a question that as you age you’re of less value. In my opinion you’re of more value and I try and tell women that. They have everything: they have experience, they have knowledge, sophistication, they’ve learned so much, sexual skills particularly, when it comes to younger men. These are important things and they’re misused by society [when women are] told they’re not valuable. Also they’re told that older people don’t have sex or are not supposed to have sex. I think this is, again, rubbish. Older people have sex. [Laughs] And they enjoy it [perhaps] more than younger people, because they know so much more. They’ve learned so much more: what they want, what other people want. The older they get, it doesn’t die. This is another thing older women are told: Oh, when you get to a certain age you’ll hit this and—bang!—it’s all over. I have women say to me: Oh, when I get to that age I won’t want sex anymore, will I? And I say: Excuse me, I hate to burst your bubble [Laughs] but I can tell you for sure that it goes rolling on.

Now it should be pointed out that, for men, that’s not always the case. And I guess that’s one of the arguments for younger men.

This is true. Mid-life can have health problems. You can have health problems when you’re young, too. But you can go through mid-life and have some health problems. And men have that, which was why Viagra was so well received. [Laughs] Because they don’t want to have that die on them, if you’ll pardon the expression. They don’t want to be non-sexual. And neither do women.

Most older men, if they’re single at mid-life, are dating younger. Or they’re married. And so the field of relationships narrows right down. If she finds herself single, she hasn’t got the field there. Why not look further and have further dating options in different age groups? Men have done it and do it all the time. They don’t often look in their own age group although I’ve seen that happening more. So older women are coming to the conclusion: if it works for them, it works for us. So they look younger too and say: That suits me.

I think the cougars often are much more youthful than their age group. They are very vital and very active and very sensual and they tend to have groups of friends that are younger and their minds work better with younger. I find for my age group [the men are] all too set in their ways, they’re not up-to-date, they’re not with it, you know, they’re not willing to try new things. Their attitudes are very stale and they’re often jaded by life. They may have three or four children, two ex-wives and all that and—just like the older men who turn around and see the women in that situation sometimes—we say: That’s not quite what I want. I want someone who is optimistic, full of life, got loads of stamina, very interested in sex, certainly non-jaded and looking forward to the future with optimism, which a lot of older people do not do. Cougars do. Cougars are very vital women often in careers. They may have their own companies or something: just very vital and aware and got an attitude, if you like.

Are you a cougar?

I’m a pioneer cougar, really. [Laughs] Because I’m quite a bit older than that age group. I tend to say I’m an older cougar teaching younger cougars the tricks. [Laughs] I actually pioneered—not the name or anything, I didn’t do that—but sort of the whole concept of it. I was right in there a long time ago and thought it was the greatest. I thought: Wow! All these younger men were wanting to date me—it’s the other way around, by the way. Even though this is a fun book with this idea that the women are predatory, it’s always the young men that chase the older women. The whole idea is that this book, basically, offers options to older women, I think.

Don’t you think though that, for either gender, it’s difficult to form a strong bond with someone a lot older or younger than you, because you do share life experience?

You’re talking about a generation gap. But you see whereas a lot of people see that as a detriment, I see it as a positive. I really think it’s wonderful. I love the generation gap because you get the best of both worlds. The older woman learns from the younger man a helluva lot about what’s happening in his world, which could be quite different from hers. It could be very techie, it could be music, it could be anything. But she keeps really young listening and learning from him. He sees her as an exotic world of already great experience and she’s so interesting and fascinating that he gets a whole lot from that and he deosn’t have to put up with a lot of added things young men find when they date young women. Like, of course, the first time they go to bed: Well, when are we going to pick out the china pattern? [Laughs] And: How would you like to meet my parents? They want a commitment. They want something settled. These cougars don’t. They already know where they’re at and what they want.

How old is a cougar?

Late 30s to 50s, yes. It depends very much on their style; their attitude. It’s all relative; if they’re dating younger they tend to feel that that is what they’re called. Whereas it might have started out as a bit of a derogatory term, it isn’t at all. I think the women like it: they love that kind of sleek, animal, predatory, in control of their life kind of image: I’m in control of all of this. I think they like the name now.

They are generally very well dressed, very well put together and fit. It’s a different lifestyle from the old days when they were encouraged—older women—to get to a certain point and then knit booties for their grandkids: Just disappear, please. Particularly the baby boomers are not going to disappear. They want what they want and they’re moving everything from health to attitudes to sexuality and they’re saying: Excuse me, this is me. I’m strong, independent and I’ve got my own money.

And there are strong role models now, as well. Madonna, Kim Basinger, Goldie Hawn…

Now there’s a good example. And that’s a long-term relationship: [Kurt Russell] is 15 years younger than her. My last husband—my fifth husband—was 14 years younger and it was a great relationship. I thought it was wonderful. It didn’t break up for anything to do with sexuality or my age or anything. His job took him to New York and I couldn’t go and we tried long distance. It doesn’t work. And, in fact, the relationship between an older woman and a younger man breaks up generally at her behest because she decides. She says: Look, it’s time you maybe had a family or whatever. And they say: No, no, no. Because they get terribly besotted with their older women and want to stay with them forever but there is that whole thing of babies and family and the mid-life crisis of the young man, maybe. [Laughs] Or whatever.

It always irritates me when people say: You know, she’s going to get older and saggy and… I say: Excuse me, aren’t we all aging at the same time? The young man is aging too. And that is not what this is about. Because, as you know, when you get into a relationship with someone and you adore them or the sex is fabulous or whatever it is, you’re not looking and saying: Oh, but look at the damn wrinkles! It’s not how it works. Sex doesn’t work like that. Good sex and great relationships are not anything to do with looks in the end. It may start out that way, but it’s all to do with a lot of other complex factors.

Three words: Camilla Parker Bowles.

Absolutely! There you are. And look at the whole condemnation of society on that. All right, I know about Diana and [Camilla] was the mistress and all of that, but even if it wasn’t like that, they would still condemn her because they feel she looks like the back of a bus and she’s old and why can’t he have a nice [girl] like Diana? Have many of these people stopped to think: Well how come this man has had a 27-year relationship—or more—with this woman and he’s so besotted with her? Well, she knows exactly what to do and what makes him happy. He’s not looking at her and saying: Oh God, you look like that back of a bus! [Laughs]

You see, that illustrates my point exactly. When people get into relationships, especially young men when they have great sex—or any man when he has great sex—they’re not thinking about whether or not she’s got a stretch mark, they don’t think about that. They’re just: Oh! That was great! When are we going to have it again? [Laughs] It’s an understanding of what sexuality is. Sexuality is not looks and it’s not body, it’s all a way of being. How you match up: compatibility and how much you like each other and get along. It doesn’t matter what age group you are.

Cougars often have their own money. They’re independent. They’ve got their own bank accounts, cars, condos, you name it: they’re doing OK. All of the things that, in the old days, young women married for. That you got together and pooled your resources or he had more money, well, they’ve got it. They don’t need someone for their money. So they find with young men who haven’t got a lot of money—they haven’t reached the peak of their careers yet—that some people say: He’s just after your money. And I say: Do you think these women have worked so hard and come so far just to throw it away because some guy walks in? It doesn’t work that way. She may buy him a few things, she may even consider paying for a trip or something, but they’re not that stupid.

Women aren’t stupid and that’s another part of the whole thing: women do not get less intelligent as they get older. In fact they get more intelligent—they learn more and so on. But there’s always society saying: Well, you know, she’s not acting her age, she’s looking foolish, she’s being taken for her money. I resent it bitterly because they don’t do the same to men. They don’t put down older men in the same situation. Now if a woman is, let’s say 60, and is very, very wealthy and gets a young man everyone is extremely condemning about that. They just feel it’s disgusting. I’ve had that said: That’s disgusting. Why is it disgusting? And I think: Get your head together!

But the cougar, what she offers, generally, is a lot of fun. A good time.

Does she ever lie about her age?

Oh, every woman lies about her age. [Laughs]

No!

Well, OK. Let’s say you were single and let’s say you were 41 or something. Would you immediately say: I’m 41? No, you don’t. You may lead up to it at some point. He might say: Well, you look 33. And you’d say: Well, no. I’m a little bit older than that. [Laughs]

Men, particularly of older ages, have never liked the idea of older women being in control. To be honest, this is what it’s really all about. The whole of society resents women—especially older women—who have a lot of control. That they have control of their sexual lives, particularly, is a real taboo. You’re supposed to give up and have a man take care of you or whatever. No, no, no, no: it doesn’t work like that anymore. It may have had to work like that. History is full of women having to do certain things to survive, to have a roof over their heads, to be looked after, whatever. But that doesn’t fit now. Women now know what to do to look after themselves. And they want some pleasure.

What kind of reaction have you had from readers?

Actually the reaction to the book has been younger men. Overwhelmingly younger men all want to know: Where can I meet these cougars? I want to meet a cougar! [Laughs] You’ve got to understand really that, for a lot of men, and I’m not saying young or old, their first experience—a lot of older men have told me—was with an older woman. And when you talk to an older man—if they’re not antagonistic towards you—they would say: Oh my first time was with this older woman and it was so wonderful. And they hold this as sort of a dream for all of their life: Oh, she taught me everything I know. They’ll wax lyrical! And then a lot of young men get into puberty and say: Oh, wouldn’t I love an experienced woman to teach me everything and just enjoy her. That Mrs. Robinson bit, if you like. And they dream of it. Of having this lovely, sexy woman all over them like a rash. And so it’s sort of a hidden thing, in a way, in men’s lives. But they do love that whole idea of being taken.

I think the whole concept of it is really how to deal with people or situations that are difficult. In other words, how to deal with society’s view of it and how they deal with you when you’re out there fully promoting it, I guess. One of the major things is: How to meet his mother. You might be the same age. [Laughs] very tough! I say try and avoid it.

How long have you been in Canada?

27 years now. Long time. And I still think of England as home. Just one of those things: the British are like that.

Where are you from?

Southampton in England. I’ve lived all over Europe and I ended up in the Channel Islands, just off the North coast of France, and from there came to Canada. And, boy: was that culture shock!

Did you come with a husband?

No. I came for a man. [Laughs] He was in Canada and I was there and I came over to be with him. It was a wild decision because I didn’t know him very well. However...

That was 1974?

That’s right. It seems a very long time ago.

Were you a journalist there, as well?

Oh yes. All my life I’ve been a journalist. Well, mind you I was a professional scuba diver for six years. That was second husband: number two. I was an Avon sales representative for three years. I was a swimsuit model once. These were all in between while I was moving countries. I’ve done a lot. I was an interior designer for a while. And always writing, even as a scuba diver I used to write for scuba magazines. I was the first British woman to become a professional scuba diver in the world. No, actually that’s not true. Valerie Taylor in Australia was the other one. They didn’t allow women into the whole thing [then]. And even when I went for my job as a journalist I was told they wouldn’t hire me because they didn’t hire women. It was as simple as that: Go find a profession that was more suited to women.

Where were you first hired as a journalist?

Southampton. My paper was called The Southampton Evening Echo and then was changed to The Southampton Daily Echo. And they just said: No, it’s a man’s profession. And I said: Why?

But I did get in, with a lot of persuading. The lowest of the lowest of the low, what was known as a copy boy. There were no copy girls. [Laughs] I started very low on the scale. And finally they let me write up dog shows and baby shows and funerals, you know. There was no college things in those days: you couldn’t go to college or university for journalism, you learned on the job. So it became sort of a long-term situation: you had to climb your way up.

When was that?

That would be 1956, something like that.

How old are you?

Sixty-two. And I don’t feel it, at all. I don’t even think about age. That’s why when they say: Are you a cougar? I’m kind of out of the age group, but still cougaring.

You’re now at the Toronto Sun and your beat is relationships?

Sex and relationships, yeah. It was the first newspaper column in Canada to do sex and relationships by a woman. In fact, I don’t think any paper had ever allowed anything other than Ann Landers’ advice. and I wrote very much from a personal point of view: Experience. Very honest. Used all the right names for things. Which shook up my editor-in-chief horribly at the time.

When did you start doing that?

I’m just trying to remember. Because my book came out, the old one [Younger Men: How to Find Them, Date Them, Mate Them & Marry Them] had been out for a while. I was fashion editor at The Sun for 12 years and my editor-in-chief said to me: What are you doing writing fashion? You should be writing this stuff, this is what we want. And I did. It’s been great, it’s been wonderful. Until recently there were really only three women sex columnists in the whole of North America. There was myself, one in Playboy, I believe and in Details, maybe. Now there are a few more.

Dr. Ruth…

Not the kind I do. Dr. Ruth is kind of done from a doctor’s point of view. She doesn’t write from experience, let me tell you. [Laughs] At all. And I always laugh because they really don’t know. They give good advice, they’re very good. But they really don’t know what it’s like to be out there getting involved in affairs or even being in a situation where they have to think about that or make choices in dating.

And you’ve been married five times so you know all about that.

And always loads of affairs. I got into a lot of trouble—an awful lot of trouble. I gave all my husbands all the money. [Laughs] All the houses, the cars, they could keep them and I just leave and move on. Which has not been wise and that is not the North American way! [Laughs]

Do you have any children?

Yes, I have one. She’s retarded. She’s 41. I would have liked a lot of children. But I didn’t. I must say, it’s a weird thing—and it’s really just how it works out—but I never date or have married any man with children. I guess I always thought that: You’re not great with children. It is an awful lot of problems as a lot of the letters I get are from people struggling with divorces and broken relationships where there’s children and a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and anger, bitterness and all that. Kind of sad, really. People get so angry, so bitter that they can’t see the reality or the light or be kind or anything.

I get a ton of mail. It’s very popular; the column. It’s also on the Canoe Web site so I get letters from all over the world. And once a month I do a chatroom thing on sex and relationships. But I find that sex and relationship advice [has] changed a lot. People today find they want to relate to [a columnist who is] real. They want reality. They want someone who understands what they’re going through. I mean really understands. Hasn’t read it in a chapter that says: After Divorce Emotions. Have they been through that and felt the angers themselves? Have they been approached by a young man absolutely determined to get you into bed? Have they been in a threesome at some point in their wild life? Whatever it was, have they tried it? And the answer was no: they’re doing everything from books. People today say: Well, they don’t know the stresses, the pressures and how different it is to be dating now or being out there in the relationship world. And it’s no good giving a stock answer: What you’re doing is wrong, therefore you should do this.

Dating now: is it different?

Oh yeah.

I know it’s not always true, but I’m real big on the commonalties of humans and general human experience. And our experiences seem to change a great deal, but often don’t very much at all. Historically, our emotional selves are essentially always the same, I think.

Well, relationships don’t change. The basics of relationships do not change. Humans don’t change: they want to be cherished, they want to be loved. They want a relationship that works and is happy. And they want to be together with someone. That never will change, that’s human beings. But the basics of getting there: oh heavens! Have they ever changed.

How have they changed?

Well, I think that what’s changed is that—possibly—women want more out of a relationship. They’re not prepared anymore to marry someone just to be secure or just take anybody because they’re a certain age or they’re not pretty or this or that. They have a list and they say: Why can’t I have all those good things?

The men, everybody is caught up on the movies and everything, they all want a gorgeous gal that looks like this and that even though they may not in a million years be able to do that. In other words, the expectation level has upped enormously due to indoctrination, if you like, by media in my opinion. And also the problem is they expect it to happen like that [she snaps her fingers]. This is an instant society, they want instant gratification, they meet you and say: There’s no chemistry. Chemistry may not be there then, but it may be there on the third date. It takes time. And the other thing is, a lot of it is visual: Well, she’s not my type. Or he’s not my type. But what is your type? Well, she’ll say: Mel Gibson. [Laughs] Well, hello: you’re not going to be able to date Mel Gibson. But whatever it is, they’ve got this expectation level and men are confused: What do women want? Because women can be very tough now: They have their list and their demands and if they don’t get it they’ll pretty well say: Well, I’m not going to date then, I’m not going to have a relationship. Men want certain things, but they want a relationship: a life relationship.

Then you’ve got the whole thing, well like condoms. In the old days nobody used condoms. Now there’s the etiquette of condoms: when to get them and what to do. Past sexual histories: people worry about that. There’s a lot of added things now. Added pressures onto a relationship. And, again, if it’s not perfect pretty well right away, people just give up. I [get] that all the time. They say: I’d rather not bother. I’d rather be with myself and my cat. [Laughs] And how sad that is. Everybody needs somebody. And ... sometimes it’s the most unlikely person that is the perfect person for you.

One could argue that, five marriages in, you would seem to be an unlikely advocate for relationships.

Oh yes, because I’ve had a lot of them. [Laughs] But yes, some people say to me: Well, what would you know about marriage because you hop in and out of them? And I say: I know an awful lot about marriage because I’ve been in so many of them. And I know a lot about people and relationships because I went out there and did it. Which would you rather have: someone who’d been married to one person for 50 years having never ever dated telling you how to go about your dating life or whatever?

Yeah: My life’s been pretty wild. [Laughs] Very enjoyable in many ways. And very tough. I’ve had a very tough life as well. I’ve learned a lot from it and I intend to give compassionate advice based on the knowledge that I remember when I did this and it went wrong. And you could try this: It might go wrong, but I know what it’s like. I really do know what it’s like.

But marriage: I guess I’m not good at it. I’m a bad wife. I’m a rotten wife.

Actually it does sound like it, I must say.

But I tend to love rather passionately. I get very passionate about things and maybe it burns down. Or what happens, like in a lot of relationships, I grow into something else and I move into a different era but they don’t. When I look back on my five husbands—or four [of the five] anyway, for sure—they’re all still in the same spot I left them in. Whereas I’ve long [since] moved on into at least three more careers or whatever. I’m always developing: not necessarily growing, but developing into something else and trying something else. And that is, I think, one of the things about older women and younger men: It’s not just older women. It’s vital older women. Older women who are full of life are the ones that attract younger men. They’re intelligent and they really have that essence of vitality about them. And I think that’s what it is that draws. It doesn’t just draw younger men. I mean, I get asked out on dates by older men, mid-life men and really older men.

I’m sure some of our readers would want to know: Where are you meeting all these guys?

I get asked that all the time, but I never have a problem. Mainly because I like men. I really like men. I mean, I married five of them. And I think, going back to what you said about dating, I think that is a problem these days. I’m not sure that a lot of young women really like men. They want something from men: they have a list. They want a home or they want a family or they want some money or they want a lifestyle. The thing is, I like being with them. I love them. I love being with men. I love their conversation and I love their little macho ways and I just love all that. I just enjoy them.

Today, I think, [young] women don’t like men: they like their girlfriends better. They’d rather be with their girlfriends. It’s easier, it’s not so stressful, they don’t have to be this, that or the other. They can say anything they want, they don’t have to play games. And men and relationships—or getting relationships—is a lot of work. It always has been: it’s never been any different.

Do your attitudes strain your relationships with other women?

No, not at all. Funnily enough, and I don’t know why it is, but I have as many women friends and fans as I do men, because I like women too. My last boyfriend used to ponder that and say: Women like you. And he’d be surprised: They shouldn’t because you like men too much, you go out there spouting this, that and the other. But I get along really well with women. I like women. I think that’s it, isn’t it? It’s really that communication. I can spend an evening with a man I have no intention of dating and this is something young women haven’t learned. That you can [spend time] with a man you have no intention of having a relationship with or dating and have a lovely, lovely evening.

Can men and women just be friends?

It’s difficult. That is a big question: I’ve written columns on it… Is there underlying sexuality always in a male/female relationship? Well, I say there is. Always. But it may never go over that boundary. Because friendship is an asexual thing: it’s neither male nor female. And I think friendship is a very pure thing. You can have a great friendship with a girlfriend and you can have a great friendship with a male but with a male sometimes at some point there is something. There are some that say: No, we’ve never thought about sex. But I’ll bet the guy has at some point.

And going back to what you said about dating today: I think women today are definitely moving more into girlfriend friendships. That is huge. And men say to me: Well, t