Dirty Girl Things
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Number One-Hundred-Fifty-Three
Dear Potential Employer
by Mimi in New York
Despite having an exceptional degree which may lead many to presume that I am, in fact, quite intelligent, I have managed to spend the last six years doing absolutely sod all with my privileged education. However, I feel that my experiences as a drug-taking chalet cook, a sailing chef, a waitress, a shop assistant at Marks & Spencer’s, a telesales representative, the person looking after your kids on the long summer vacation, a barista, a check-out girl at Tesco’s, a sandwich maker, a bakery assistant, a bar tender, a punt chauffeur on the River Cam, an unemployed, hungry writer and finally, the piece de resistance - A Stripper, do demonstrate a certain flexibility on my part, if not a willingness to completely embrace new experiences and skills.
Unfortunately, I don’t possess any prior knowledge of Quark Express and have only recently discovered how to work the spell check on MS Word, but I can text up to 20 words per minute using predictive text, and always sport a well manicured bikini area, whilst I have also developed an unerring talent for tolerating those itchy, spangly g-strings comprised mainly of plastic sequins. My people skills have been impeccably honed due to two years spent on various large sailing yachts with multiple stinking, farting men, and combined with 14 months grinding corporate cock, I feel perfectly qualified to work within the high-stress, male-dominated atmosphere of Corporate America. I have an ability to compromise, perfected from the lengthy and demanding negotiations involved in my former employment (eg “Give me a blow job”, “No, fuck off”, “Give me a hand job”, “No, fuck off”, “Give me a lapdance”, “OK") and yet a steely determination of where my goals are and how to achieve them ("It’s 850 bucks for a private room, no fucking freebies").
I don’t have any formal journalistic training, nor would I be conceited enough to count my small resume of published works qualification enough to adopt the title of ‘journalist’ - yet my illuminating writing on specific topics display a remarkable and ingenious departure from the usual female schlock produced en masse by Conde Nast (see my blog posts on ‘anal sex’, ‘The Masturbator’ etc). Indeed, I feel the height of my writing achievements, displaying my strong and sophisticated style, is aptly demonstrated by such works of literary genius as this.
I must profess that I lack both the positive attitude and willingness to make the coffee that an entry level position might require, and while neither a ‘go-getter’, nor a ‘team player’, I can’t help but suggest that perhaps your company might not have to advertise for employees quite as often if they didn’t insist on making the criteria so rigid. Having been exposed to the shocking rigours and unflagging enthusiasm of ‘go-getters’ and ‘team players’ throughout my various forays into the world of employment, I personally have found that the lazy fuckers sitting out the back having a sneaky cigarette are often the most fun at the office party, and never fail to supply the requisite xeroxed ass-shot, while they are frequently the most willing to blow the boss after too many Bacardi Breezers.
I have a demonstrated ability to multi-task - I am a modern day spiritual guru and yoga teacher with an excellent cock-grinding technique and impressive eka pada rajakapotasana, not to mention a huge capacity for alcohol, self-loathing, insulting people I care deeply about and drunken text messaging in the early hours of the morning - all the while managing to complete several great works of fiction yet-to-be-published. In fact, as a hungry, ambitious, attractive female with absolutely no suitable skills for useful employment besides a willingness to skive as frequently as possible and look up porn on the company computer, I am utterly unaware as to any reason why anyone would not find me employable, or indeed, why you are not begging to work for me.
I look forward to being rejected by your company as yet further affirmation that I am destined never to have a salary,
Yours Sincerely,
Mimi
P.S. If I do get the job, how much vacation time do I get?
* * * * *
Sincerely.
Eve and JW3 and Mélisande
Dirty Girl Things ©
Unrepentant. Unpretentious. Unconventional. ©